Jug Suraiya
Chamcha-in-Chief: I'm right here, Mamatadi. Standing in the corner like you told me to.
Mamata: Oh, there you are. I mistook you for a filing cabinet. With everything painted blue, you can't tell the flunkeys from the furniture. Only yesterday I sat down on my favourite blue sofa. Imagine my surprise when it turned out that the sofa wasn't a sofa but the home secretary. Come to think of it, he's more comfortable to sit on than the sofa. Better padded. Maybe in future I'll use him instead of the sofa. But enough of this baajay kotha, this rubbish talk. The reason I called for you, Chamcha-in-Chief, is that I want all toons to be banned in Bengal, with immediate effect!
Chamcha-in-Chief: You want all tunes banned in Bengal? Does that include the most famous of Bengal's tunes, Amar Sonar Bangla?
Mamata Banerjee
Mamata: Because all cartoons are a conspiracy against me!
Chamcha-in-Chief: But how can all cartoons be a conspiracy against you?
Mamata: Boka na ki? Are you stupid or what? Cartoons, all cartoons, are a conspiracy against me because everything is a conspiracy against me. It's a very special conspiracy. So special that it's even got its own name. It's called paranoia. That nctc they keep talking about is also part of it.
Chamcha-in-Chief: The nctc? The National Counter Terrorism Centre? How can that be a part of the conspiracy against you?
Mamata: Are you a nonsense or what? nctc doesn't stand for National Counter Terrorism Centre. It stands for National Counter Trinamool Conspiracy.
Chamcha-in-Chief: I never knew cartoons were about a conspiracy. I always thought they were about humour.
Mamata: Humour? Don't you know that humour is the biggest conspiracy against me? That is why all those raskil fellows invented cartoons. So that they could do conspiracy against me. That's why I want all cartoons banned and all cartoonists put in jail. Starting with that fellow Walter Dijney. Arrest him at once!
Chamcha-in-Chief: But, Mamatadi, we can't arrest Walter Disney, sorry, Dijney.
Mamata: Can't arrest him? Why can't you arrest him?
Chamcha-in-Chief: We can't arrest him because he's already dead, Mamatadi.
Mamata: Dead? Death is no excuse to evade arrest! Arrest his ghost then. And while you're at it arrest that fat haas, that fat duck, Dohnahld.
Chamcha-in-Chief: Arrest Donald Duck, sorry, Dohnahld Duck? But how can Dohnahld Duck be part of a conspiracy against you?
Mamata: Oof, oh. Can't you see anything? Are you blind or what? Tell me what do ducks do?
Chamcha-in-Chief: I don't know. Lay eggs out of which you can make haaser deem, duck-eggs, omelettes? What do ducks do?
Mamata: I'll tell you what ducks do. Ducks quack. So that Dohnahld Duck cartoon is a conspiracy suggesting that I'm not a real neta but just a quack neta. And if that's not a conspiracy then I don't know the difference between a duck's egg and a rossogolla. I tell you, that Dohnahld Haas needs a baas, right up his...
Chamcha-in-Chief (hurriedly interjecting): Tail feathers?
Mamata: Tail feathers? I was about to say something that rhymes with both haas and baas. But never mind. Tail feathers will do. Just put that duck in jail without bail. And Meekee Mouse too.
Chamcha-in-Chief: You want us to arrest Mickey Mouse, sorry, Meekee Mouse as well? How's he a part of the conspiracy against you?
Mamata: When someone is trying to make a fool out of you don't people say he's taking the meekee out of you? With Meekee safely in jail none can take the meekee out of me!
Chamcha-in-Chief: I see what you mean. With Mickey-sorry, Meekee-in jail, no one can take the Mickey-sorry, meekee-out of you. There's only one problem. Even after all the cartoons are in jail there'll be one cartoon still at large, perhaps the biggest cartoon of them all.
Mamata: And who is that?
Chamcha-in-Chief (reciting): Mirror, mirror, on the wall/Show Didi who's the funniest toon of all...
- Jug Suraiya is a columnist and author
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